Hello Ned.
 
I have some confessions to make. I have not been completely genuine with you at times during the past. After my text saying I would answer your letter after I settled into new premises, I didn't. I dismissed and avoided it as not a priority and didn't want to face it in my current life.
 

While I admit making all those phone calls to you and spoke for lengthy periods of time; I look back now and it did serve a purpose in my life at that period; and that is one reason why I refused to talk about resolving anything about us. The phone calls were adequate for me personally. I know I said you had a responsibility also, but mainly that was to do with you agreeing with what I wanted.  I ended up making excuses in any way possible to not resolving issues. There was no need to get emotionally involved with you as your devotion and commitment to me made it easier for me to keep you at a distance. My own needs did override any thought about us or your feelings.

Completely breaking up was not an option for me under these circumstances. However, if you did, it would have been easier for me. I would not have to process any responsibility. If only you hadn't wanted something for us, things would have worked out. Eventually all your talk about love, belonging, inclusiveness, communication & a meeting was hard to process in my current life and wearing me out. Emotional distance is what I wanted; not attachment. You have to understand, the things you talk about are just myths in life nowadays. You don't live in life's (and my) reality Ned! Just because I talked to you on the phone for endless periods of times doesn't mean people actually plan, meet and resolve issues eventually. lol.

Although we haven't met and talked in depth about ourselves for a while (I know - I've had my issues and problems.lol.); and for that reason I have gone in a different direction. I admit, the last time I phoned you (when you were on one of your 'romanticizing trips .lol.) I stated the call was about you, as I know and said at the time, I talked too much about myself. And then Ned; you spoilt it all!  You sent me a letter shortly after asking me to consider our relationship inclusively; to think about 'us' and what position we were in! Things were going so well between us until then. No wonder I reacted. The phone calls were good and enough for me at that period of my life. You spoilt it for me. If you had agreed with continuing our phone calls, I could still be ringing you now. We could still be talking now and into the indefinite future. Of-course, as you now know, even if we had continued with the phone calls, I still wouldn't have planned to resolve anything. I haven't been nice have I? You could have continued  for my sake though. lol.

Eventually, you sent the letter giving me the responsibility to show how I cared about you and us inclusively. To show I was genuine about you and us. This was too much for me and an unreasonable expectation. I wanted you to keep on caring towards me until I maybe would be ready to meet and resolve. Not the other way around. lol. I ask you Ned, how can I think about us and you when you know I'm always busy with my life and my responsibilities? Your expectation of us meeting and resolving, so we could communicate inclusively and naturally sometimes, rather than phone calls, was so unrealistic - even if I did say it was achievable. I acknowledge I did say when I move it will be Ok but as you now know I haven't been genuine with you. As I haven't answered that message; in all your awareness Ned, can't you comprehend how I feel without me communicating that with you?  You just can't be a priority under these circumstances. It makes it difficult for me to make the effort and motivate myself to communicate about us, meet and resolve, if you always want something more than what I want. 

If you hadn't been so supportive, devoted, understanding and caring to me, it wouldn't have reached this point, and I wouldn't be in this unpleasant situation of explaining myself.    

Yes, you were useful during those periods of my life and now under these circumstances of you wanting something for 'us', that cannot be so. You wanted more than what I wanted to give - you wanted something also. Yes, I did say you were a big part of my life. However, it's now time for me to not take responsibility for what I had said to you in the past.  Your understanding of life is not mine. And all your philosophical thoughts on life are just tiring me out now. You just don't live in the real world Ned. People change their views, their life, and people move on. People become dispensable; they eventually have a 'use by date' .lol.

You must get with the times Ned. Your too old school. lol. Technological devices are so much easier to convey love, care and say we miss someone, rather than make the effort to meet someone we regard as close. Even if they live one hour away or in the same town. lol. Devices mean we can express ourselves, feel good about ourselves, that we have done something nice towards someone, and then get on with our lives. It's great! The receiver may not feel it, but we do! Ned, it doesn't work your way in life anymore. People are so involved with themselves they just find it difficult to make time outside that. You'll feel so much better if you think that way also. lol.  

Did you really believe me when I said a short while ago, when I move, I would travel to see you and communicate to resolve? You should know by now I'm not that responsible and committed, lol. It was a time when I was hooked. lol. and now it is different. Life is continually evolving for me. I can move on easier and dismiss things. Yes, life does become more superficial but I cope better with that. Your too serious Ned. Lighten up lol! 

That is why I find animals are more supportive to my needs. They don't question 'us' or ask for anything. They are just here when I want them and they remain devoted to me no matter what. If only you could be that way it would have worked well for us. That is why I've always felt much better if you are just there to agree with what I want, and give to me; as I have difficulty in returning it. It's stubborn of me I know and probably you would say selfish. But I don't want to go that far and admit to selfishness! lol

Honestly Ned, did you really believe it would work between us if you wanted something also?  If you hadn't been so caring, loving, and devoted to me for an inclusive relationship; if only you hadn't believed in me. If you hadn't wanted something for 'us' it would not have come to this. Even though it is admirable of you to offer communication and your caring & responsible enough to offer communication to resolve, and communication involving us both, so we can be part of something more natural, I just don't know it is wise.

Love Always xxx